TO ALL RESIDENTS OF THE GREATER MUNICIPAL AREA:
Pursuant to Ordinance 88-C (ratified unanimously, 14–0, one abstention by a pigeon), all citizens aged 16 and above are required to complete a minimum of three (3) certified karaoke performances per fiscal year. Failure to comply will result in administrative consequences up to and including haunting.
The Municipal Office of Compulsory Karaoke has been empowered by the City Council to enforce, document, and emotionally withstand all performances rendered under this ordinance. Song selection is at the discretion of the performer, except where prohibited (see: Banned Songs Registry).
Ref: ORD-88C-2019-REV4 • Filed: Office of the City Clerk • Witness: Philippa, Deputy Clerk of Compulsory Song • Notarized by the Intergalactic DMV (pending)[Verse 1]
I filed my form at Window Two
The clerk said "sing" so what could I do
They said the mic was mandatory
I didn't know it was a love story
[Chorus]
Ordinance Eighty-Eight C
Says you can't escape from me
Fill out the form, step to the stage
Your feelings are on every page
[Verse 2]
Philippa stamped it "EMOTIONALLY RECEIVED"
The audience wept (nobody believed)
The ghost in Room 4 gave a standing ovation
This is a government regulation
[Bridge]
DJ BASSQUAKE said the bass was too low
Gerald (age 47) said the feelings had to flow
The Intergalactic DMV is still on hold
Ticket number three, seven thousand years old
[Final Chorus]
Karaoke is the law
The most beautiful thing I ever saw
Was you, at a government microphone
Singing like you'd never be alone
| Track # | Song Title | Category | Status |
|---|---|---|---|
| 88C-001 | "I Will Always Love You (And This Form)" | EMOTIONAL DMG | MANDATORY |
| 88C-002 | "Bohemian Bureaucracy" | POWER BALLAD | APPROVED |
| 88C-003 | "Total Eclipse of the Filing Cabinet" | EMOTIONAL DMG | CERTIFIED |
| 88C-004 | "Don't Stop Believin' (In Municipal Services)" | POWER BALLAD | APPROVED |
| 88C-005 | "My Heart Will Go On (Extended Reverb Remix)" | EMOTIONAL DMG | WARNING: TEARS |
| 88C-006 | "Wonderwall" (guy with acoustic guitar version) | BANNED | PROHIBITED |
| 88C-007 | "Smells Like Municipal Spirit" | FIRST-TIMERS | APPROVED |
| 88C-008 | "EVERYBODY (DJ BASSQUAKE 180BPM Remix)" | HAUNTED BANGER | CAUTION: BASS |
| 88C-009 | "Sweet Caroline (Room 4 Ghost Duet Version)" | HAUNTED BANGER | CERTIFIED |
| 88C-010 | "Stairway to Heaven" | BANNED | STAIR LICENSE REQ. |
| 88C-011 | "Someone Like You (Redacted Third Verse)" | EMOTIONAL DMG | CERTIFIED |
| 88C-012 | "Mr. Brightside (Everyone's Crying, 9th Rendition Tonight)" | EMOTIONAL DMG | MANDATORY |
The following songs have been removed from the approved catalogue due to safety, structural, or metaphysical concerns. Performing a banned song will result in immediate citation and a mandatory encore of a song chosen by Philippa.
| Song | Reason Banned |
|---|---|
| "Wonderwall" (any version) | Municipal Code §14.2: Repeated performance has caused three (3) evacuations. The acoustic guitar is classified as a weapon. |
| "Stairway to Heaven" | Requires a valid Stair License (Form 27-B) from the International Bureau of Stair Licensing. No performer has ever obtained one. Harold Q. Balustrade refuses all applications containing the word "heaven." |
| "Baby Shark" | Classified as a cognitohazard. Performing it caused the Room 4 ghost to file a noise complaint. From beyond the grave. |
| "My Way" (full Sinatra arrangement) | Statistical anomaly: 100% of performers who attempt the final note black out. The last three were found in the parking lot with no memory of the bridge. |
| "SANDSTORM" (Darude) | DJ BASSQUAKE (Gerald, age 47) attempted this at 220 BPM during the 2024 Annual Compliance Gala. Structural damage to Booth 3. Gerald was unharmed. The booth was not. DJ BASSQUAKE's Rave Cave |
| "Bohemian Rhapsody" (solo attempt) | Minimum 4 performers required per Safety Directive 88C-SD-12. One person attempting all parts simultaneously was described by Philippa as "a crime against harmony and also against me, personally." |
By signing below, you attest that all performances were conducted in compliance with Ordinance 88-C and that you accept the emotional consequences thereof. The Municipal Office is not responsible for feelings, reverb, or ghosts.
File completed forms at Window 2 or submit digitally via the Intergalactic DMV portal (if it ever loads). Retain a copy for your records. Philippa retains a copy in her memory, which is permanent and unforgiving.
| Office Hours | Mon–Fri 8:00 AM – 5:00 PM (karaoke booths open until 11 PM) Sat 10:00 AM – 2:00 PM (Mandatory Fun Saturdays) |
| Location | Municipal Building, 3rd Floor, Wing C (Take Stairwell A. Stairwell B is closed. Stairwell C does not exist.) |
| Karaoke Booths | 4 booths available • Booth 3 under repair (see: SANDSTORM incident) • Booth 4 haunted (operational) |
| Phone | (555) 088-SING • Ask for Philippa • She will answer • She always answers |
| Emergency After-Hours | Tune to WLSBN 3AM Pirate Radio • Request "Compliance Hotline" during DJ SOFTBUTCH's set • Available 3–5 AM only |
| Accessibility | All booths wheelchair accessible • ASL interpretation available by request • The ghost accommodates all performance styles |
The Municipal Office of Compulsory Karaoke is a division of the Bureau of Mandatory Fun, operating under the authority of the City Council and with the reluctant acknowledgement of the International Bureau of Stair Licensing, the Intergalactic DMV, WLSBN 3AM Pirate Radio, and DJ BASSQUAKE's Rave Cave.
Karaoke is not optional. It is a public good. — Philippa